My practice focuses on five distinct, yet often intertwined, areas:
- Desires and boundaries
- Intimacy after trauma and loss
- Shame and guilt around intimacy
- Lack of intimacy / touch starvation
- Curiosity
Each one of these areas has the potential to radically transform our lives if we are willing to engage with what’s going on in an open, curious, and compassionate manner.
In all this it is important to bear in mind that I am not a therapist, and I do not provide therapy services. This can be powerful work, and if possible I would recommend having a psychotherapist on your team to assist you in processing the things that may come up.
Desires and boundaries
Arguably the one that precedes all others… So many people are having difficulties feeling into what they truly want, and articulating/asking for this. Not to mention knowing what it is they don’t want, and articulating that – sometimes in the spur of the moment. This is a safe place to work on and practice both. And from there we can move on to any or all of the other areas.
Intimacy after trauma and loss
Trauma can be caused by so many things, and often is accompanied by loss. Conversely, loss can be extremely traumatic. The key thing here is that both will affect your ability to experience intimacy. Maybe it’s because something has shifted in your mind, and what once felt easy and natural, no longer does. Maybe it’s because something has changed in your physical body, affecting how you see and are able to use your body. Maybe life dealt you a blow that left you reeling and you don’t know how to access intimacy yet sorely need it. Whatever the cause, we can work with that, and get you back to a place where intimacy is not only possible, but desirable again.
This can include things like intimacy after:
- loss of/changes in function due to age or medical issues
- loss of a partner
- a break-up
- abuse (old or new)
- when faced with changes in temperament or desire in a partner
- when faced with changes in temperament or desire in you
- childbirth
- not feeling seen or heard
- and during periods of stress
Shame and guilt around intimacy
To start, let’s talk for a bit about the difference between guilt and shame. Guilt comes up when we feel we’ve done something wrong, shame is triggered when we feel we are wrong: our desires, our needs, our feelings.
Both can be helpful signals when they stem from a moral framework that we feel is just and that we can identify with, but often (particularly around all matters sexual) these can stem from moral frameworks that were forced upon us and that (deep down) we may not feel aligned with. And so maybe we did something that we’ve been socialized to think of as wrong, or that a partner, parent, or friend told us is wrong, and we feel guilt. Or maybe we have desires, needs or wants that we have been socialized to see as wrong, or that we have expressed to a partner, parent, or friend who did not react well, and we feel shame. These can be triggered by long held issues, or by new and present changes.
Working with these, and in doing so strengthening, recalibrating, and fine tuning our own moral compass, can be difficult, but also rewarding and liberating. I’d love to help you turn your shame and guilt into celebrations of your unique desires, coming to terms with and celebrating your authentic self.
Examples of this are shame and guilt around:
- desire (or lack of) and changes therein
- sexual identity and changes therein
- sexual attraction and changes therein
- gender and changes therein
- your body and changes therein
- feeling too much and/or not enough
- aspects of your personality
- feeling pleasure
- feeling deserving
- asserting yourself
- changing your mind
The goal around all of these is not so much to change you to where you think you should be to make the shame and guilt go away, but rather to work on reframing your emotional and moral frameworks to embrace and accept where you’re at (while also allowing for the possibility for growth and change should that feel good!)
Lack of intimacy / touch starvation
Lack of intimacy and touch starvation are real. Over millennia our bodies and minds have been engineered for touch and closeness. It helps us regulate and feel safe. It is important to note that this goes for all types of intimacy: Emotional intimacy, non-erotic touch, and erotic touch. We need all three, and often we may find ourselves in situations where some or all of these are unavailable (or only partially available) to us. Sometimes you just need to be seen, heard, and held. Sometimes you need more. Sometimes you just need to remember how good it can feel to have a body. I can help by working with you to identify which of these is missing in your life and offer some much needed relief.
Curiosity
Human beings are naturally curious. And yet, often we’re forced to curb that curiosity, leading us to become closed down and stagnant. A big part of this work is reengaging with that curiosity, to experiment, to have fun, and to see what feels good. Let me be a partner in doing just that, in an environment that is nonjudgemental, and celebrates our birthright to feel pleasure.
Maybe you have questions about or want to explore (among other things):
- your sexual identity
- your gender identity
- the sexual role(s) you gravitate towards or would like to inhabit
- specific kinks
- intimacy with another gender than your usual go to
And finally…
Let all this nourish you. Let it nourish your desire for connection, for intimacy. Let it nourish your body, your spirit, and your heart. You are lovable and desirable. And you deserve to fully exist, to be you in all your glory, to authentically express yourself, to be seen, heard, celebrated, and loved.
Up next: Exploratory call and session